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It’s 17 degrees outside mid-Polar Vortex, and protesters in Kiev riot at the Square of Independence in what I perceptibly discern to be utter hell fire, just as nearly 100 people die of a terrorist attack in Nigeria and the world runs out of chickenpox vaccines. The gloom! The doom! Additionally, I just lost an eBay auction for rare Twin Peaks memorabilia, Justin Bieber is going to rehab, my iPhone is shattered, and it’s- gulp- Superbowl season, ie the future is looking grim, fellow earthlings. And as rioters suit up in hockey “armor,” concocting Molotov cocktails, I, child of Western consumerism and sci-fi literature, imagine our Blade Runner future, geared up in techno fabrics with built-in, removable weaponry and defense mechanisms, with a proper winter shopping list, because I’m not spying on the totalitarian regime’s leader without a dystopian uniform and an anti-establishment smattering of Steven Meisel’s most militant Vogue Italia imagery. And if the current newscast is anything to judge by, the future is now and the front page could use a little Junya.

- Best eyewear for a post-apocalyptic librarian in a 451 degree Fahrenheit world: Miu Miu cat-eyes with laser-cut bottom lens, so I can save the “Myth, Magic, and Religion” and “Dadaism and the Avant-Garde” segments of the Dewey Decimal system from bonfire, or at least roast marshmallows over them without the fuss of smoke in my Air Optyx.

- Most likely to gain admittance to a super-future techno rave at the home of an evil, narcissistic CEO of an energy monopolizing corporation: Mirrored silver Prada lace-up flatform oxfords, so I can moonwalk like a Jetson. MDMA, poppers, and glow sticks not included.

- Best multipurpose garments for everyday life in a chemically-unsound playground under totalitarian rule, for use on secret missions and other things of a privy, anti-establishment nature: J.W. Anderson’s current season look three, an all-purpose sartorial solvent for 1) garbage (kangaroo-pocket trash bag!), 2) hiding weapons (uber-discreet, seemingly padded knee-line!), 3) packing your lunch (Ziploc bag crop top!), 4) pollution (built-in face mask!). What more could a post-apocalyptic lady of fashion ask for, besides peace on earth and good will toward men?

- Best subtle riot-wear for union rebellion against robot patrolmen under the reign of egomaniac nuclear waste bosses: Joomi Lim’s “Future Perfect” double row spike choker in oil spill, or more accurately- rhodium/rainbow titanium, because “fuck tha police” or something, whatever.

- Most likely to be resurrected into my/your/our closet(s) when 3-D printing becomes available in archival Comme des Garcons patterns: Junya Watanabe flannel panel motorcycle jacket, to resurrect the dead, fight replicants, and burn rubber- simultaneously. #thefuture

- Best scent for a villainous hellion that will never know what actual heaven smells like, but wishes to simulate the experience in their space odyssey, legally: Comme des Garcons x Undercover Holygrace. Wafting in the clouds, now available in your local galaxy’s fragrance mall.

- Most likely to merit wearing to sabotage the nation’s chancellor in a poison-chokehold one-two punch of murder: Yohji Yamamoto cyber blue fingernail gloves, because no one’s got time for damning thumbprints and hello, auto-manicure.

- Best dystopian prison-wear for said chancellor-poisoning jailbirds in *the future*’s universal house-arrest system of correction: Comme des Garcons S/S ’14 synthetic leather cages (similar here). Bonus: doubles as your base look for BDSM night at the industrial discotheque five stories below the export warehouse, accessible only by ladder and pole, that also serves as the headquarters for your neighborhood narcotics dealer.

-Most appropriate for space cowboys in a Mars Attacks simulation of reality: S/S ’14 Junya Watanabe fringed jacket with leather bodice- unavailable online but available in CdG stores and Dover Street Market- to watch martians’ exposed brains explode into green goo as you ride into the sunset, soundtracked by Slim Whitman.

-Best acid rain/drone bomb head protection, plus optional bodily day-glo for offsetting the radioactivity that besets our cyborg selves: Yohji Yamamoto Spring/Summer 2014 powdered hair accoutrements and neon architectural layers, for storming the capital with a jovial nod to the founding fathers of a nation under siege- minus the tea, substituted by mace.

- Best weapon of destruction disguised as a relic of punk: Noir by Kei Ninomiya’s pierced dress, which is unavailable to view online (why, CdG, why), but can and will be used for torturing government officials and/or enemies of the state.